a draft from the first day of october that was incomplete, & therefore unpublished:

as I walk miles from my apartment, feeling the calming breeze and taking in the aroma of fall slowly inviting itself into the air, I’m quickly reminded why this is my favorite time of year. I don’t recall the last time I had this many layers on, it feels as though the summer months lasted an eternity, the weather that is.

the draft was longer, but only this portion of it correlates with the point I am about to make. well, not a point per se, but a thought. fourteen days ago I was anticipating the month of october & the beautiful weather that it brings. now, we are halfway into the month, & mother nature has proven what a rebel she is, with day after day of wet, dreary weather. I don’t recall the month of october ever having weather this bad, so consistently, & I’m ready for it to change, because it’s starting to take a toll on my mood.

moving on…while e-mailing back & forth with a friend this morning, she mentioned a book that has inspired her to do more for God. she also mentioned that she does not feel as though she has found her purpose in life. that is a statement that I know many of us think about, but while responding I was drawing a blank, I do not quite know how to respond to someone when they say that. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting me to offer my opinion of what her purpose in life is, because that is not something any of us know at our age. I’ve been thinking about it all morning, & I’ve concluded that I want to conduct a survey, and ask people if they have figured out an answer to that question. I’m not as much curious to know the answer, but to know what lead someone to the answer, what experience in their life helped them discover their purpose.

I personally think we have a number of purposes, that arise with every new change in our lives. but my question at the moment is not what’s my purpose (though that thought does linger) but my question is simply, why? why are the situations that are happening in my life, happening? what is the reason for the way I feel, the outcomes, the questions? what am I supposed to be learning & taking away from everything I have experienced this past year? I know that there are people going through far worse than what I am going through, but what I’ve experienced this past year has been harder than what I am used to, & I am officially burned out.

I consider my mother to be a very wise women. the older I get, the more I appreciate her advice. I’ve noticed one thing in particular that she does. in a negative situation, whether it be either an argument (usually one that I’m involved in with with one of my three sisters) or when thinking the worst about something going on in my life (something insignificant) she pulls from her vault of stories that she’s either recently heard on the news or happen to see on oprah & reminds me that there are people in the world that have serious problems, far worse than mine. her favorite line is “I’m sure they’d give anything to trade places with you, because what you’re going through is nothing compared to what they are going through.” I remember a number of times when my sisters & I would argue (over nothing) and my mom would say “why don’t you think about this, I just saw a little boy on oprah who lost his sister, I’m sure he would give anything to have her back and I’m sure he regrets the times he argued with her for nothing. God forbid your sister passed away tomorrow, you would be feeling pretty horrible that you were saying these things about her, wouldn’t you?” when you’re younger nobody wants to admit when their parents are right, but we knew she was. to this day when I tell her about a situation, she happens to know a story to compare it to and yet again, I’m reminded how fortunate I am that my problems are not even considered problems compared to what other people are going through. then again, I might be the only person that finds this a good tactic.

I feel as though I’ve been using these types of comparisons quite often these past couple of days. I was eating lunch with a friend of mine & while we were having one of those “why us?” conversations, a young girl came skipping by swinging and twirling around a tree next to our table. she had lost all of her hair & I only assume had some form of cancer. we immediately stopped talking and watched as she tossed leaves above her head & giggled so happily as they fell to her face. I’d never seen a child so happy, as if she were in her own imaginary world. she’d glance at us with a smile & continue skipping around the tree. without saying a word, we knew what the other was thinking & changed the subject of our conversation.

the same thing happened to me yesterday, here I was telling a friend how upset I was about trips that I had planned falling through &  the arrival date of my new car being pushed back another month than when I was originally told. & just a couple hours later she found out that another friend of hers had a serious fire in her apartment. which made me think yet again, here’s someone whose apartment caught fire and lost quite a bit.  & come to find out at the end of the day she found something positive in her situation & was looking at the glass half full.  I look back on my conversation & the things I was complaining about & I am almost disgusted with myself. there are people who have real problems, yet somehow come out of them with a positive attitude. these are the people that make me realize how much I take for granted, that there is so much more to life & that God is truly working wonders, not that I didn’t already know that, but it helps even more to witness it first hand.

never stop defining your vision of what life could be.

what I would give to go back in time.

I could say that about a number of moments in my life. the list is infinite with memories that I would give anything to relive again. what I’m currently wanting to relive, my college years.  those years spent stressing over tests & project deadlines were also spent making memories with my best friends on the phi mu hall, during rush & even with my fellow peers in the mass comm. department. one of the few things I despise about facebook, is seeing pictures of undergrads living the life that I miss. I could tell myself not to look through their “rush ‘09″ albums, but I can’t seem to control my mouse & I end up browsing through all the albums feeling nostalgic about the days when I went to the same fraternity parties proudly wearing my phi mu button. it’s almost painful how badly I want to go back in time to those years, but until technology makes a most likely impossible breakthrough & creates a time machine, I’m left with only the memories, no returning.

I was recently at dinner with some close friends of my family. & while I was talking with two of the girls that are 13 & 17, (& with all of this on my mind), I was repeatedly telling them to enjoy everything now, while they are still young & in school, which is something you hear when you’re younger & aren’t phased by at the time, but I’d like to think my advice sunk in a little bit. anyways, during my rampage, the 13-year-old mentioned how lucky I was because I get to live on my own, do what I want & be whoever I want to be. & I realized, she’s right.

I can do what I want, & be whoever I want to be.
I think that because we (I) dwell so much on what we miss about the freedom we had (or thought we had) in college, we forget how lucky we are after we graduate, that we can now choose to do whatever we want with our lives.
I’ve recently noticed a couple of my close friends experiencing amazing new changes in their lives, & embracing these changes with extremely positive attitudes, because they are choosing to do what they want to do, what they dream of doing. It’s enjoyable for me to witness good things happening for my friends, & it’s very inspiring to hear the excitement in their voices as they tell me about their new endeavors. as much as I miss the life I had just months ago, I’ve realized how fortunate my friends & I are to be at the point we are at in our lives. for months I’ve looked at this phase of my life so negatively, & I’ve realized it’s the complete opposite. what could be better than knowing that we have the freedom to be anything we want to be. all it takes is a dream, a little faith, & the right attitude. I used to think it was too easy to say “anything is possible,” but I finally believe in that statement, you just have to believe it, & do it.

never stop defining your vision of what life could be.